Offenses? Causes and handling
There is only one reason why people feel offended: other people. Or, to be more precise, what other people do or do not do. No one will feel hurt by the winter because he is cold. Or his dog because he does not hear. No, flora and fauna are just there, with no evil intention or ulterior motive. Humans are quite unique in terms of insults. And talented. Jean-Paul Sartre already knew: "Hell, that's the others?" Who are they, these ominous?
Well, there we have tyrannical bosses, know-it-alls, disloyal relationship partners or ruthlessly vain self-promoters, just to name a few examples. In particular, the self-actors or narcissists, we will later feel a little more accurate on the tooth, because their number is growing rapidly. They all have one thing in common: they love to feel great and make others systematically small. One of the most proven methods here is the deliberate injury of the opponent by verbal blows below the belt. This strategy, which is as simple as it is brutal, unfortunately goes too far. Why? Because nobody puts these people seriously in their way and puts them in their place.
As you can see, this is about purposeful, intentional insult, not injuries that happen accidentally. Being hit by an unintentional injury can be painful but easier to forgive. Offenses that are deliberate are not excusable. They deserve a suitable response and sometimes a suitable return coach. But even if we have nothing ready to oppose, we must find a way for us to deal with grievances so that we can shake them off and leave them behind us.
Where does it hurt?
For a good defense against insults, first find out where your own weak points are. In other words, what makes me the easiest to hurt, what offends me most? University of Texas communications researchers have identified students as "betrayal" when questioned by students. and? rejection? among the most common reasons for a painful offense. Two terms that we need to take a closer look at.
Treason is by definition a breach of trust within a presumed loyalty. This is on a grand scale, think of Edward Snowden, from whom the US feels betrayed, and in a small, private setting. An example: I assume that there is a friendly relationship between my work colleague Thomas and me. During a leisurely after-work beer, I tell him in confidence what strange behavior I have observed in our joint superior and how annoyed I am. He nods understandingly and gives me the good feeling, something from my soul? to have talked. Two days later I am asked to talk to the boss at work. He makes me a snail because I allegedly blasphemed him behind his back. Bämm. I just talked to Thomas about the boss, so it's clear where he got his information from. Thomas disloyal to me, betrayed me and it hurts. The example translates to all sorts of situations where someone who has our trust disappoints.
rejection can happen to you in all possible situations. I can be rejected by a single or a whole group. There is no need for an example here. Everyone will know the painful feeling associated with rejection. Especially in all situations where love is involved, it can be very painful to be rejected.
I'm not a Texas student, but I can understand these results from personal experience. To feel betrayed or rejected simply hurts. The degree of injury is directly related to the structure of one's own personality: the less self-esteem a person has, the harder he is injured. Anyone who can self-confidently distance himself from insults of this kind and distance himself internally has a clear advantage.
What happens?
Just as important as knowing one's personal pain points is to understand the mechanisms and methods that people use to offend others. Therefore, here is an overview of the most common patterns:
manipulation
The main concern of manipulative people is to force others to behave in a certain way. It is always about power and to enforce one's own interests, a dilemma is often created: "Either you do what I say, or I part with you." Especially in already difficult partnerships, phrases like this are a very bad means of pressure.
generalization
Through generalization, it is achieved that a person as a whole is devalued.When a supervisor says, "You never care about anything," even though there is only a slight omission, it puts the entire personality of the person in a bad light.
projection
In verbal attacks, one's own negative feelings are often transferred to the other. A statement like, "I think you can not stand me? basically means nothing other than:? I can not stand you?
double messages
To ask in an angry tone? How are you ?? creates uncertainty in the opposite. To the counter question, why are you mad? then makes the answer? I was just asking how are you? from the uncertainty a feeling chaos. Especially in parent-child relationships, double messages are a common reason for anxiety, self-doubt and hurt of the child.
Wolf language
This term was coined by the US psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. According to Rosenberg, an advocate of non-violent communication, some people use the so-called wolf language, so that their counterpart feels bad, evades or has to go into a defensive posture. This type of communication inevitably causes mutual aggression and is a guarantor for insults of all kinds Wolf language uses the following methods according to Rosenberg:
- Interpretation:? You behave like that, because ??
- Analysis: "If you had done that, then ??
- Review: "You're doing it wrong, is that what you're doing?"
- Rating:? You are lazy (stupid, selfish, naive) ??
- Penal threat: "If you do not stop, then ??
Special case narcissism
As already announced above, the narcissists get an extra chapter. They should have liked that, after all, narcissists are people who suspect the center of the world is near their own belly button. The main thing is, it's all about her person. Their life is usually paved with hurt souls, broken hearts, and the proverbial corpses they go through. The term? Difficult? does not really do them justice. Higher math or the 100 meters under ten seconds are difficult to run. ?Unbearable? it is more likely to affect most narcissists.
The interpersonal behavior of the so-called narcissists is characterized by demonstrations of power and manipulation attempts. Thus the offense of other people is already pre-programmed. They demonstrably have a low level of empathy and are not interested in the feelings of their counterpart. According to sociologists and psychologists, the current cult of celebrity and the possibility of self-expression in social networks provide a particularly fertile breeding ground for narcissists. Finding your own person super-hot is currently very difficult and is also celebrated by fans and followers. These dazzling media figures take over the function of influencers and awaken the latently dormant narcissists in Lieschen Müller and Hans Schmidt. Narcissism thus becomes a societal norm and acceptable for the psychic disorder that it is in reality. This means that there are more and more narcissists whose behavior must be protected. But how is that best?
defense methods
Funny ? the best quick-witted responses to an insulting or insulting remark come to mind when the situation is long gone. Then I'm lying in bed and think, Ha, I could have thrown that and that to the head.? Unfortunately only? Can ?, because I did not do it. Therefore, I find the tips of the Hamburg psychologist Valentin Nowotny very helpful. He is the author of the book? The new repartee ?, and has been intensely involved with the subject. For him, the preservation of his own integrity is the linchpin of a strategy against insults. Here are some of his ideas in my words:
back mirrors
A critical accusation like? Since you are missing probably completely the view? Just pick it up and give it back: "You seem to know it very well." By not justifying yourself, but making the other the subject, you simply turn off the attack.
Show self-assurance
Anyone who is small invites others to trample on one another. Therefore: Keep upright, speak with loud voice in clear words and seek eye contact. This is often enough to stifle most attacks in the bud.
Keep lightness
With humor, one can well neutralize the intention of a personal attack or insult. Although one can evidently give the other right, but make his remark ridiculous by deliberate exaggeration. To the sentence, my goodness, is there a chaos in your life again? just like that, just like Bill Gates. Do we just need that for our creativity? reply. This takes the wind out of the sails of the attacker.
Remain objective or distance
Even with an unfair attack: Always try to stay with yourself and not become emotional. There is no reason to justify yourself, you can stay at the factual level. When it comes to massive insults or even the threat of violence, just go and cancel the (current) contact.
I personally like in this context, a sentence of the poet Art van Rheyn very well:
"Keep insulting me, I did not think they could talk."
